The Thing About Packing...

is that it raises a few questions.

1.  Where did I get this?

2.  How do I still have this?

3.  Why did I think I had any use for this?

I'm not even kidding either.  I've instituted a strict "if I haven't worn it for a year" it goes in a Goodwill bag and if "I haven't used it in 6 months" it goes in a Goodwill bag.  After watching Jake move out and my sisters move out, I came to the conclusion that I was going to throw things away.

And it's good...I mean, I feel less cluttered and I have gotten rid of a ton of crap that I don't need (or ever needed...) for the big move to Louisville.  

It's also made me realize that regardless of how much stuff I have...I still own way too much stuff for just one person.  Of course, now that I'm about to be sans roommate (thank GOD), it's probably a good thing I have all of this.  It saves me from buying it later.

My new job starts on Tuesday...thank goodness.  My last day at Victoria's Secret was today, and holy hell...I now know that retail was never made for me to work in.  Never ever.  The people I worked with were horrendous.  Folding panties and dealing with girls that think retail is the most important job ever--not worth the discount.  Oh, and of course, what everyone should know is that getting hired with Limited Brands in general means that unless you're a manager, having fun working once a week, if that.  

So moral of that story...don't work there.

Back to packing, though.

I've also realized while packing that I'm going to really miss Deanna.  Everyone should meet her because she's just fun.  She carries no drama with her, and I've yet to hang out with her and go "are we done yet?"  

I definitely think college, being in Muncie for six years, and meeting all sorts of people and making new groups of friends is that I've learned that friendships definitely require effort, and I've definitely lacked in that department.  Of course, it's a two way street, but I definitely regret not dropping my life sometimes at the hat to go get crazy with Amy and Kellie in Indy, and with Jenni when she lived there.  Those three friendships were, well, are probably the best friends I will ever have, and I definitely have some catching up and making up to do.  It's just hard to do when schedules differ, when we get our own lives, but then again--that whole effort thing comes into play.  

I think that for people who find themselves thinking that their friends "weren't really ever their friends" are the people that don't understand that friendship works both ways.  Sometimes, compromise comes into play.  Sometimes, you just can't always get your way.  

I can't keep packing.  It makes me think too much lol.  

I just can't wait to move, and to upload pictures of my new fabulous place.

Happy Wedding Day AmyD!

I'm sorry I can't be there due to you know, my life in general, but I'm sure you'll have a beautiful wedding and I expect to see lots of pictures.

I'm sure I can even photoshop myself into a few of them.

LOVE YOU!

*Sigh*

I'm really not a fan of this Muncie weather we have going on right now.  Not that it's the reason for me blogging, but you know, I just thought I'd state for the record that I'd like for it to act like it's summer, and not early spring.

This whole moving thing is making me feel like I'm bi-polar.  Some days I'm all happy and excited, thinking about my cute new apartment that is sitting downtown, waiting for me and all of my crap to be schlepped into it.

And then there's days like today, when I pack up boxes, taping them shut, and wonder what in the hell I'm doing.  I mean, I have the big things out of the way.  Place to live?  Check.  Employment? Check.  But then I start thinking--and I'm pretty sure that's part of the problem.

I tell everyone "oh you know, I'm excited, because it's something I want to do," which isn't a lie.  I do want to move.  I've wanted to move for awhile now.  But at the same time, I get nervous because moving to Louisville wasn't ever where I thought I'd move to.  I'd been scouring Chicago for the past three years now.  

But you know, I didn't expect to meet Joey either.

And that's what I enjoy about life...the whole part where sometimes, you meet people, and boom, everything changes.  It keeps the monotony out of the every day stuff.  So why is it that all it takes is one moment--one snap of the tongue, phrase--that makes you feel like if it's minor or insignificant, I make the decision, but if it's important, then it's what he wants, and if I don't like it, then I guess I just learn to deal with it?  

Apologies aside, I know that that's not how it really is, or how it's ever been, but that moment is enough to make me hesitate a moment about packing up boxes and taping them shut.  It's enough to make me wonder if I'm moving just become someone wants me to, and then it's the same pattern I'm always in, just with a different person.  

It's almost like I compromise too much sometimes, and he doesn't know what compromise means.  And I don't mean that in a hateful tone at all.  It's just one of those matter of fact kind of things, and I'm sure learning how to compromise is just as difficult as learning how to not compromise as much.

I just hope that sometime soon, we find a way to meet in the middle.  

Productive? Yes.

Well, I went down to Louisville again.  I had to take an assessment test at the marketing firm before my job becomes "official."  I got to do a walk through the place, take a look at where I'd be working, what I was doing, I was definitely getting all excited about it.

Aside from the driving back and forth wearing me out, I am feeling so much better about everything.  Joey has a potential job interview coming up as soon as he gets paperwork to fill out and mail back, so that's good news, and I just...I don't know--I'm excited!  And in a good mood!

The only thing I have to do is tell Mrs. A and the girls that I'm moving.  That's the only thing that really makes me sad when I think about it.  I used to just get upset about moving in general, but now, I'm all excited about it except when I think about moving away from the girls.

Other than that...I was pretty damn productive today. 

Lots O Stuff

Mom

She's having surgery this week, at least, it's scheduled.  Of course, being the BOP...it's not like they really keep their word on these things.  

She'd been complaining about this pain in her kidney and someone finally decided to listen and to do another MRI and they found a golfball sized cyst inside of her kidney, and then a grapefruit sized cyst on the top of her kidney that needs to be drained ASAP, and it is the source of why she's been in pain for almost a year.

And what really just burns my ass more than anything is that yes--I understand it's prison.  However, just because they're felons doesn't mean they should be denied healthcare.  Unless you're there for life, eventually, they will be reintroduced into society and I don't think that they should have to suffer permanent damage due to the BOP administration that just gets to things whenever they feel like doing it.  My mother is probably going to have problems with her kidney forever now because this has been ignored, and the doctors have even told her this as well.  

Once I become settled, working, and become a stable adult, I really want to look into some non-profit organizations that deal with prisoners and their rights and see what I can do to contribute because I know that there are people out there that are campaigning for this right now, but they can always use more help because again, while I understand they are in prison for a reason, they're still people.  And people like my mother--who are placed in non violent women's camps because what they did wasn't violent--just stupid--will get their second chance.

Sisters

Again, let me reiterate that I do love my sisters.

However, after moving them out over the past two days, I could kill them.

I believe that I remembered telling Dani on the phone that if I had to "clean" or "help pack" that I was not showing up because after moving out of two different houses with her, I wasn't going to relive that horrid affair.  I also remember my father telling me on the phone that both of my sisters told my dad that the "entire house is packed up and ready to be walked out." 

False.  

It is absolutely ridiculous that it took 6 people to move out two girls in two full days, especially when they knew when they had to move out, and had time to do it. Priorities are something that appear to be a bit lost on them, and I was not happy about spending all day Saturday at their house cleaning, having my boyfriend lift things that he shouldn't have been lifting because of his back.

Packing

Speaking of moving, I've been going through all of my stuff, weeding out what I don't need/haven't used in the past six months.  Because after watching Dani and Lesley move out, and after helping Jake move out since people apparently thought he could move his shit out and finish cleaning on his own (still trying to figure that one out), I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to move things I don't need, or move trash, or just keep shit in general that never gets used.  

I'm downsizing, trying my best to become more simplistic, because I'm slowly learning and understanding that my band teacher all those years was right when he'd say "keep it simple" because it actually does make life easier.

Jobs

I'm taking an assessment test with the marketing firm that wants to hire me this Tuesday, and I'm also going to another job interview in Louisville just because they called, were extremely impressed by my resume, and you never know...maybe they got more to offer.

I do feel better about the job situation.  Joey's applying for jobs, I'm getting ready to take a job, and we're being smart about it.  We're not sitting around being all lackadaisical about it.  We're looking every day, we're seeing what it can offer, how it will benefit us later, because we know that if we both need to be financially stable in order to have a future.  We know what we want to do and what we have to do get there.  We can't just sit around and hope that what we want falls into our collective laps.

And I will admit that a lot of my frustration about moving has been more scared-induced than anything, because it is the first big thing I've ever done on my own.  And AmyD, who will call my ass out every day of the week (because she lovvvves me) said it first--I pretend I'm the tough girl all the time and sometimes I'm just not.  

I'm scared and terrified but it's the good kind, not the "oh shit...why am I doing this."  It's more like "Oh hell...I'm finally getting to do what I want because I chose it and it wasn't chosen for me." 

I do believe that Joey and I have a future together.  We talk about it all the time, both the silly/probably never gonna happen to the actuality of what there is to come and we're both very excited about it.  But again, we also understand that getting to what we want is going to take effort, and we're jumping in feet first.

Clicking into Place...

I'm going to sit on this marketing job for a few more days before saying "yes."

I've got my deposit for my apartment all set and ready to go.  

My tentative "move-in" date (or at least when I get the keys) is going to be May 20th.

My job start date should be the 27th of May.

And that stress level?

Depleting rapidly.

Progress?

Well...I was offered a job yesterday at a customer service center in New Albany yesterday.  I have a few days until I have to tell them yes or no.  The catering place still hasn't interviewed their other candidate...and I'm hoping that I hear from her first about working before I tell the customer service center yes.

At the customer service center, I get full benefits, paid vacations, and all that jazz.  I start at $9.00 an hour, move to $9.50 after training, then up to $10 after 90 days of working.  Then you get bonuses and whatnot if people you help respond positively to the help you give them. 

Ideal job?  Not exactly...even though I do enjoy customer service.

However...it's a job.  And I can at least pay for one apartment while I get help with the other until July.

I know everyone's like "just wait until July" but I can't.  I have bills to pay.  If I have the choice between sitting on my ass in Muncie for 2.5 more months and doing nothing aside from hanging up on people wanting me to pay bills because unless they take Monopoly money, then I'm screwed.

If I could wait it out in Muncie until July, I honestly would, and want to.  I'm not all that ready to leave yet.  But bills are piling up and the real world is kicking in and I can't stand not being productive and I can't stand asking for help from my dad every other week when I have an option and opportunity to go work and do something that will help make me a little bit more independent until I ultimately have the option of not having to ask for help.

This is very important to me.  I don't want to be who I've been anymore.  I want to be more independent and I know it doesn't happen over night.  But I'm 24 years old and I've never really paid for anything in my life.  My parents and grandparents have always taken care of it and I'm ready to do more because I feel like them giving me money all the time and taking care of everything isn't getting me ready for the real world.

Just an Extremely Frustrating Day

I came down to Louisville today to apartment hunt/go to a job interview tomorrow.  

Do I understand that having a job, ideally, is best to get FIRST before finding an apartment?  

Yes.  

Do I understand that I still have a lease in Muncie until July?  

Yes.

Do I understand that without employment in Louisville it will be difficult to pay for both?

Yes.

But you want to know what else I understand?  

That I'm not working in Muncie at all.  And you know how hard it is to find a job in a city when it's three hours away?  Really hard!  So when I get screamed at by the man who supplied me with the majority of my DNA about how to not apartment search and find a job first and to do nine thousand other things after only being in town for an HOUR, you can understand that I'm extremely frustrated.

I did the math the other day.  You know what I figured out that I could afford the other day, apartment wise?  600 a month.  

2 days ago I had a conversation with my dad, that went like this:  "If you find an apartment with utilities included, Brianne, then you should get it." 

What did I find yesterday and look at today?  The world's cutest 1 bedroom apartment for $600 a month--ALL utilities included.

So when I called Dad, all excited and wanting this apartment BAD, he freaks out at me and starts contradicting the entire conversation that we had about finding a reasonable apartment with good parking and a secure building.  Now he's screaming at me to "sacrifice" and "buy a can of RAID if there's bugs" and all this ridiculousness and THEN--this is the best part.  After 20 minutes of screaming at me, he then decides that I'm right.

What.  The.  Fuck.

Literally.  What is wrong with people that share my DNA?  I don't get it anymore.  

Dad sits there, telling me he "doesn't want to sit on my ass" while he helps me pay rent.  Apparently, he has me confused with his other children, because I haven't sat on my ass for five years.  

Not to mention that I never EVER ask for help, and now that I need it, I don't think it's fair that he's changing his mind about helping me every other day when he helps my other two sisters all the time--and the majority of the time it's because one of them can't add or balance a checkbook.  

Of course, then, while going to look at the apartment, I'm trying to follow the directions being given to me by the Magellan GPS that I have in my car and my boyfriend--who I love...don't get me wrong--is telling me to go a different way and then getting an attitude with me when he remembers that 2nd street turns into a wrong way so that the GPS was right in telling me to go the other way.

You know why I'm listening to the Magellan?  Because I paid $200 to have that damn thing tell me where to go so that I don't get lost.  It's not because I don't want to listen to my lovely boyfriend--it's that I don't know where the fuck I'm going, hence the purpose of buying the damn piece of equipment to begin with.

I am so over, and so tired of being yelled at like I am five.  I have never ever been a person that responds to yelling, or being treated like I'm an idiot.  I'm a perfectly capable human being.  I'm 24 years old.  I'm not an idiot.  I'm tired of being treated like an idiot on the phone, in front of friends, out in public at dinner, while having basic conversations--I'm over it.  Done.

And what I don't get is how people--those that are the closest to me--can't realize how upset it makes me.  If you see that I get upset by it, then quit doing it.  I don't deserve it, and I'm to the point where I'm done tolerating it.

All of this crap--doesn't make me that enthusiastic about moving.